Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
