video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
