It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
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I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
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So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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