i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
