If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
