Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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