A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize