peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
