this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
