Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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