she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
