I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
