That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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