I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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