i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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