fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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