He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
