I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
