I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
