god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
