I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
