it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My vagina just clenched in fear
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
