we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Someone stole a lamp last night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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