last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dating After Heartbreak
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.