Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.