it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.