I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
