Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
