You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
