John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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