Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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