The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
