When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
