Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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