The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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