Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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