Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I believe in your delicious
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
