i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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