for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
