Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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