This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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