the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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