Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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