i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
