I wish I could teleport
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
