Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
