I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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