I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
