You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
