I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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