absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
