I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
