i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
