I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
