This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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