Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
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you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
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OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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