The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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