Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
