tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
