Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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