He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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