took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
