Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
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You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I touched a dick in church today
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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